Scream At The Top Of Your Lungs
by Mystical Machine Gun
Summary: Boys do not hold hands with each other, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.
1. Chapter 1

Well, it seems that I am into darker themes again…I am really interested in different kinds of happy endings; those we hardly think of happy as such. Simple things are nice and I so like real life events that could actually happen. This story might be more graphic, hard to tell. I apologize in advance if it disturbs anyone. Anyways, all love does not need to be said out loud, you know? We know it is still there even though it does not scream at the top of its lungs.

Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER SASUNARU/NARUSASU STORIES TOO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

**Pairing**: Sasuke x Naruto

**Summary**: Boys do not hold hands with each other, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.

**Disclaimer**: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).

_Scream at the Top of Your Lungs_

When I was nine years old my mother told me that it was not proper to walk hand in hand with my best friend anymore. I just could not see anything wrong with it, since we hold so many things in our lives - shopping bags, forks, anything. I remember her somewhat bothered face when she descended down on her knees so that she would be of our height. Boys hold hands with girls, she told us and I had to wrinkle my nose with distaste. Why would I want to hold hands with icky girls whose palms are always sweaty and sticky?

Sasuke just stood beside me his hand trembling a little in mine while my mother clearly ogled us and the situation as a whole. What was the safe solution, her eyes tried to seek. Sasuke did not like to be scolded, since it made him insecure. Insecure about how to react if at all, insecure about just being. Fathers can do that to kids and from my point of view they seemed to have the privilege over mothers. I opened my mouth with a slight annoyance as I asked why the hell was it okay to hold hands with girls if the skin was always the same. You have it, I have it.

Mom looked bothered again but even more so, worried. First Naruto, no son of mine swears, it was your father that taught you, was it not, she fumed but calmed down as she remembered the actual discussion. Because I do not want my son to become a homosexual and neither does Sasuke's father, she then sighed with a heavy breath. The mere mentioning of Sasuke's father made Sasuke release the hold and his hand moved back to its original place gripping the back of his shirt like usual. After a silence I asked her what "homosexual" meant.

Mom's eyes looked horrified as she probably understood that she had overestimated the thing at hand and now she would actually have to explain the ruckus before, since we were...ignorant. A very large miscalculation on her part. Her eyes reflected the measuring she was performing while focusing her gaze on me and Sasuke.

It is easy to deny something we all know exists but denying something you do not want to exist and the other party is not even aware of it is even harder. I was not naïve and she knew that. Now she would have to explain the very thing she wanted to deny, like not supporting guns but still having one at home just in case. It is there, but you kind of want to tell yourself that if you keep your mouth and eyes shut, you can fool yourself.

Her explanation was vague only implying that it had something to do with dirty old men and dark alleys. We were not wiser than before and it bothered us - what was this secret, this homo stuff? Of course we went to the library after school, but we were gracious enough not to ask anything from the librarians. Instead we sneaked to the adult section with utterly boring books like physiology, like what the hell was that?

Naruto, I found it, Sasuke half-whispered, half-shouted and I ran to him as quickly as I could. Oh my God that is so gross, Sasuke huffed as he showed me a picture with two guys kissing and next to it was text that said everyone should have the right to love whoever they want. I think I am going to throw up, he continued and I looked as displeased as he did. So, we pinkie promised never to become homos though we were not so keen on kissing girls either. We were nine for fuck's sake and times changed.

Now six years later we are playing console games in my room and discussing who has the best boobs in our class. Sasuke looks smug and I know he wants to tell me something, but waits for me to ask what the hell causes that expression of his. I got to finger a girl yesterday, he says and my jaw drops on the floor. I have hard time finding it amongst the wires and snacks and placing it back. Say what, I ask so utterly surprised.

Like, I know he has kissed more girls than I have, but I always thought we were on the same level. Now it seems he is off to other stratospheres and I do not feel like playing the actual console game anymore. What, how, who, I repeat like a broken cassette. Anya, from class C, he replies as if he was telling me the weather. That boob machine, why the fuck would she give into you, I almost shout and Sasuke has to press his palm over my mouth to shut me up. Do not fucking yell - I do not want your mother to know everything about my personal life, he shushes. This…this…I am totally shocked and pissed off, I mumble and he laughs.

I have never fingered a girl and I feel so second place. What was it like, I ask Sasuke who looks like a fucking proud father telling me it was soft, warm and VERY wet. That much I could have gotten from porn movies, I grunt and he just says that I am jealous. Whatever, I pout. You pussy finger, I continue and he smacks me on the forehead. I can see why Anya would spread her legs for him…Sasuke is broody and wears only black - a black attack, sheesh. He has got a nice face but it has to be those piercings on him that make the chicks go wild. I have got a few too, but mom would never let me take as many as Sasuke has though she does not judge him for having those. I am pretty sure she thinks they suit him and they do. More or so, I would look stupid since I like colourful weird clothes, caps and scarves. No one likes lead pumped joyful candies.

I do not feel like playing anymore, I am depressed, I say to him and climb on my bed. I stare at the ceiling my hands behind my head. You are stupid, he says and climbs next to me. Anything interesting up there, he asks sarcastically and I merely snort. Sasuke keeps his eyes on the ceiling too even when I roll on my side facing him. It must be these, I mumble and run my fingers over the piercings in his ears. Then I move on to the eyebrows, but he does not even flinch.

No…it is because I am so awesome, he suddenly grins and turns towards me laughter filling his dark eyes. I hate you, I say and he replies that he hates me too. Then we just keep lying on my bed and only our breathing can be heard in the otherwise silent room. So, should we go to Anya's birthday party this weekend or what, I break the silence. We might as well, if you want to keep up with me, he teases me. Only on one condition, I will not tolerate if you end up sleeping with her, I huff and Sasuke looks like a question mark.

Are you jealous of me or her, he snickers but I highlight that this is an important matter. She might be Anya THE BOOB BIBLE, but she is still a skank like no other. You are too easy to persuade, you know, all you need is fucking bare skin and your penis becomes your brains, I continue. Sasuke laughs, but does not deny. He so has issues, God dammit. Sasuke gets up and promises to meet me near the park and from there we would head towards Anya's house. I will ask my brother to get us some booze, he smiles wickedly and I nod. Hell yeah, thank God for Itachi!


	2. Chapter 2

Well, it seems that I am into darker themes again…I am really interested in different kinds of happy endings; those we hardly think of happy as such. Simple things are nice and I so like real life events that could actually happen. This story might be more graphic, hard to tell. I apologize in advance if it disturbs anyone. Anyways, all love does not need to be said out loud, you know? We know it is still there even though it does not scream at the top of its lungs.

Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER SASUNARU/NARUSASU STORIES TOO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

**Pairing**: Sasuke x Naruto

**Summary**: Boys do not hold hands with one another, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.

**Disclaimer**: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).

On Saturday night at eight I stand freezing near the entrance of the park. Sasuke comes soon after me his bag clinking and clattering. You got it, I ask and he shakes the bag. The sound is like that of pearls in a jar. We need a head start, he says and we open the first cans of beer. We stroll down the street until we hear noise and voices of people we do not know. We get into the house and find our way to the kitchen. Some snacks and more booze. The alcohol is beating our nerve system down and it is getting harder to walk straight. It is not just the alcohol though - there is so much crowd that there is no oxygen left.

Somewhere along the way I lose Sasuke and I end up on the so called dance floor. People, you are squeezing my lungs out, I breathe heavily and basically crawl my way out of the somewhat sticky floor. I do not want to know what that stickiness is…I need to find Sasuke and get out of here, not to mention that Ruth is here and she somehow likes to think we are an item just because I accidentally groped her nonexistent tits. What a misfortune for me, since her face looks even worse than her bosom, oh the shivers, yuk. Running and stumbling on the stairs might not have been the prettiest and most convenient solution, but at least I get to upstairs.

One of the doors is shut and I head towards it - it does not even cross my mind that there may be someone inside…Stupidly I open the door like it would reveal Playboy Bunnies waiting for just me, but the sight end up burning my retina. For fuck's sake, I shout and have to turn around, since Anya is on all fours her head somewhere in Sasuke's crotch. What the fuck did I tell you, I fume and Anya looks horrified. She gets up and bolts out of the room. Sasuke is so out of it all, his eyes are clouded with drunkenness and reflexes are slow.

Adrenalin kills enough alcohol from my veins so that I get to him. Sasuke just giggles and I thank God he is not hard - whether he was that a few seconds ago, I do not know and do not care. He is so incapable that I have to pull his pants up and button up the jeans. It takes some time, since my vision is still blurry and I swear a whole ten minutes before I am done. Sasuke stands with wobbly feet and smiles goofily. I basically have to drag him towards the door, since his own efforts are futile.

We stumble the two meters and if I had to guess, I would say it took like an hour until we crashed against the door. He giggles some more and grins and my knees hurt. We are a mess of limbs on the floor and I hate the flower patterns on it. Suddenly he looks so serious keeping his eyes on mine. Then his hands seek their way into my hair and fucking yank my head forward. Our mouths crash like two cars, lips barely touching - until he plunges his tongue inside my mouth. Sasuke pulls my head more and more towards his, my scalp is on fire and teeth hurt. I should probably fight him, but I end up doing something akin to kissing i.e. moving my lips weirdly and out of rhythm against his lips. Probably his lips.

Like what the heck, it is not like we remember this tomorrow anyway. It is not a deep kiss, romantic or anything. Just lips on lips. Then Sasuke loosens his grip on my hair and I have to rub my head since the grip was quite tight. Up, I say and we get from the floor though it takes again some time. We should better leave, I smile, since I do not know what the hell should we do now after sucking each other's faces. Yeah, he breathes, bends down and throws up. Oh, fuck you, I curse as Sasuke vomits everything he has ever eaten. Are you not the most romantic person in the whole wide world, I mumble and help him from the floor he suddenly decided to occupy.

Well, serves Anya right and the flower patterns too, I snort and lead Sasuke out of the door. I so hope we have suddenly become invisible and it seems to work, since we get out quite smoothly. You better crash at my place, if you do not want to die…your father would so fry your arse, I snicker. Sasuke merely nods or at least I take it as a nod. Our fifteen minute walk becomes an hour and I am glad we are finally at my place. We use the back door so that mom does not wake up. Well, she knows her son is not the perfect person she would like him to be, so she pretends to sleep in order not to break the image of the perfect family life.

In the morning the harsh sunlight penetrates the room and my eyelids feel like they are glued. Opening them eats up energy, but I do it anyway - like I could stay in bed the rest of the day, sheesh. I hear Sasuke grumble and he looks a total mess which makes me laugh my arse off. Anya has a nicer wake-up call, I basically howl and he looks like a ragged question mark. You fucking threw up on her carpet, I laugh so that my stomach hurts. Sasuke looks a bit ashamed, but does not make a comment. From that day onwards I hardly saw him smile.

So, two years have gone by like…nothing. I sit next to Sasuke and watch his stoic face as we occupy the round table in the cafeteria of our school. Say, why do you not smile anymore, I ask him and as usual he looks at me with bored eyes and merely snorts. He has been like this for how long? Who is even counting years anymore…I have to say I do not know what happened two years ago after Sasuke went home from my place. I do not know whether he told his father about the party, Anya, Itachi - anything. Or perhaps his father already knew?

It seems we do not even talk that much with each other anymore either, which actually saddens me. It is not like I am afraid of growing apart, but more like does it have to be now and like this? The future is open before us and suddenly I am standing on that road all alone. Also, I am worried about Sasuke, he seems broodier than usual and all the joy has vanished from everything he does. It makes me insecure, because I want to know why, but I am too a coward to ask the reason and thus I have to accept the reality.

The reality in itself makes me wonder whether I could have done something to prevent this and in the end my pondering leads to self-loathe and anger. A cycle I cannot break. I miss the old you, I say to him silently as if remembering the past fondly. He does not hear me or he pretends not to hear, either way - my words disappear into the noise of the cafeteria. Want to go home together, I try, but he says that he has some urgent things at hand. I hardly doubt if that is the truth, but I leave it at that like I always do. Why do I even bother?

**Thoughts and comments are appreciated. Thank you.**


	3. Chapter 3

Well, it seems that I am into darker themes again…I am really interested in different kinds of happy endings; those we hardly think of happy as such. Simple things are nice and I so like real life events that could actually happen. This story might be more graphic, hard to tell. I apologize in advance if it disturbs anyone. Anyways, all love does not need to be said out loud, you know? We know it is still there even though it does not scream at the top of its lungs.

Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER SASUNARU/NARUSASU STORIES TOO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

**Pairing**: Sasuke x Naruto

**Summary**: Boys do not hold hands with one another, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.

**Disclaimer**: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).

The next day the same routine plays itself before my eyes, but because of the lack of sleep and other mental issues I do not accept no for an answer. I take him by the sleeve and drag outside where the sun is warm and greets us with a pleasant smile. I raise my hand, flash my middle finger towards the sun and order it to fuck off. Sasuke grunts and tries to peel my fingers off of his sleeve. The warmth and sleep deprivation with Sasuke's unwillingness to cooperate make my brains boil and I end up punching him in the face. Not too hard though, but enough to make him stumble backwards.

Why the fuck did you do that for, he shouts angrily. I am so totally fed up with you, tell me what the fuck is wrong with you so we can fix this or end this fucking farce, I demand of him. Sasuke looks pissed and says there is nothing to talk about and it sure as hell does not have anything to do with me even if he had some issues. Not everything has something to do with you, he spits at me and leaves me bewildered. You God damn arse face, when I ever implied your fucked up mental state could even have anything to do with me, I scream with a broken voice.

Sasuke pushes me, his hands tangled in my shirt until my back is against the school wall. I am fucking tired of this, get it, he curses and his hands on my chest feel heavy. I am going to go abroad, leave this ugly city, he continues. My mouth is wide-open as the realization hits me. Is it because of me, my tiny voice asks, but he replies that no way in hell. That came out too hastily, I shout and push him instead. I grew tired of you and your stupidity, he then concludes and I know I cannot defend myself against something like that.

Why the hell did you keep hanging with me then, I spit at him. The anger becomes venom and pours down my lips as I tell him that I actually was already tired of him but out of pity kept him company. No one wants you, no one will ever love you, because you do not even leave a stain when beaten up, I grin with anger spicing up my facial expression. Sasuke looks stupefied and hollow somehow - like an empty vase found from the ruins of ancient Greek. Serves you right and fuck you too, I shout and take my leave.

I have not even taken two steps when I feel the punch of stiff bone in the back of my head. Suddenly my legs give upon me, my vision gets blurry and all I can think of is how the hell the wimp learned how to kick arse. Strong arms lift me from the ground, but nothing else do I recall. Emptiness sucks me in and I sink into unconsciousness. I wake up stiff and the back of my head hurts like shit. I am amazed I do not bleed but then again, I was built to be like stone. Heh.

Now where the fuck am I..? It takes some time until I register that the sun is already setting and I am sitting in a car. The backseat of Sasuke's car. I would recognize the interior anytime though this time it took a little bit more time. Maybe I have a concussion? I see Sasuke's lone figure getting closer to the car, but I dot have the foggiest idea where he was when I was out of it. I try to scan the surroundings but it is all trees and more trees. Sasuke gets lazily in the car and seats himself on the front seat. Where the fuck are we, I grunt. He just looks pissed and does not reply.

His bony and thin fingers squeeze the steering wheel with an unknown power. Shut the fuck up, he groans and starts the engine. I am fuming on the backseat and grab him violently. The car keys fall on the car floor as Sasuke is now half between the two front seats and backseat. I squeeze the collar and skin as if trying to decapitate him with pure willpower. Sasuke pushes my chest and manages to press my throat with immense force. I cough and began to choke - I have to pull apart until I attack him again. Now he is practically on the backseat his legs still wiggling between the front seats.

I myself sink deeper into the leather, my head now in an odd position half against the chilly window. There is just not enough space to fight here but neither of us makes an effort to get outside and settle this. The air is thick with punches and heavy breath. My bottom lip is bruised but does not bleed. Yet. Sasuke's hair is rugged and his shirt is tangled around his torso like a snake I once saw on some Greek dude statue in some art book. Finally he pulls himself to the tiny space between the back rests of the two sets of seats.

The lack of oxygen, heated anger, and sweaty palms turn into something which is quite hard to describe. I am in a half-sitting position in the corner of the right side backseat. Sasuke is almost on his knees - if that was even possible - between my legs his body above mine. Fucking Titanic, I growl as my hand slides on the steamy window. Just like that Sasuke presses his lips violently on mine and bites. Now my already bruised lip is bleeding and I can taste the strong metal in my mouth. In the vacuum the car now is the time stops, all meaning disappears and reality becomes nothing.

Sasuke yanks his shirt off angrily as I unbutton mine with shaky hands. I curse until he rips the shirt so that the buttons fall into every direction possible. For fuck's sake, I try to murmur but soon his hand muffles all my attempts. Jeans, jeans are nasty and in the way. We mumble and groan as we try to free ourselves, like this was a competition or something. Again, he is faster than me and is already tugging my pants off. Sasuke's forehead is sweaty and his dark hair sticks to his face. He looks se determent eyes flickering like a flashlight.

With the jeans there goes the underwear and suddenly it feels so utterly weird to be naked like this, under his angry eyes which follow the movements of my skin and bones. This all can hardly be called "smothering with kisses" since those kisses are not sweet or loving. Simply a distraction to keep me occupied, to keep him occupied. His hands pull me closer to the edge of the seat and no, it does not feel that nice since the leather is sticky with sweat. I am almost crosswise and heck it is still uncomfortable.

Sasuke spits on his fingers, motions them towards my arse and yet I do not fully comprehend why. I know but I do not want to know. Why cannot he be a little faster God dammit? More spit and he plunges two of his fingers inside me. They move rapidly without a rhythm searching and feeling up the walls of my rectum. I cannot say it feels all that nice but I have masturbated and tried the same thing on my own, so it is not "a whole new thing". Exploring ones own body is not a crime.

The fingers feel like there are mice up my arse and I swear "get on with it already you fucktard" and he obeys. He positions himself better, raises my arse and pushes inside. One quick shot of pain stiffens my limbs as his pulsating member occupies the space where nothing should reside. I pull his hair violently and hiss. He lets me breathe which is quite nice from him until he begins to move back and forth. It must hurt him almost as bad as it hurts me, since I can figure by myself that I am tight. Virgin asses tend to be that way.

The movement of skin down there feels funny - I know he is not circumcised so I guess this feels slightly different. Fuck…he pounds me faster and it feels like my intestines are coming out every time he pulls. Pushing feels like I could throw them up. Sasuke's eyes try to focus on me and his left hand wanders on my shaft. The sweat blinds my eyes, but his new actions soothe the otherwise unpleasant situation a little. I actually get turned on when he fondles me, since the combination of pain, stimulation of my anal area and him masturbating me is a nice mixture in some weird way. Like a good drink in an unknown bar. Amazingly so he makes me cum and not long after he cums too. I can feel the liquid travelling in me and it stings. It is going to hurt like hell when I take a shit next time…

Sasuke's eyes are shut and he shudders. Every hair on his skin indicates that his mind travels somewhere out there, maybe even outside the car. Get off, I murmur and he pulls out. His semen drips from me and I feel like a cow which is being milked. In an awkward silence we dress ourselves and let our skin cool off. I do not feel like explaining myself and he does not look eager to do that either. Quite nicely wrapped up friendship, I hymn.

I notice the stars and realize that I do not have the foggiest idea what time it is. Sasuke notices them too and climbs back to the front seat. I do not have the power to move, but I do not mind. I would not want to either, since my arse is a like a vase of his sticky cum and every time I move I can feel it. Yuk. He drops me off at my house and no words are exchanged between us. I limb back to my house and mom freaks out when she sees me. What the hell happened, she shouts and looks at my Hunchback of Notre Dame like posture. Nothing, I mumble and drag myself into my room. Mom cries and I hear father shushing at her that I am a big boy now and she should just leave it.

**So, what do you think? Comments?**


	4. Chapter 4

Well, it seems that I am into darker themes again…I am really interested in different kinds of happy endings; those we hardly think of happy as such. Simple things are nice and I so like real life events that could actually happen. This story might be more graphic, hard to tell. I apologize in advance if it disturbs anyone. Anyways, all love does not need to be said out loud, you know? We know it is still there even though it does not scream at the top of its lungs.

Please do not flame (I do not find a reason for it so you better not either). I apologize for the possible misspellings and other errors.

CHECK OUT MY OTHER SASUNARU/NARUSASU STORIES TOO AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

**Pairing**: Sasuke x Naruto

**Summary**: Boys do not hold hands with one another, mom said. But we hold so many things in our lives and we scream with tiny voices. Getting older means screaming harder. So many mistakes, do we have enough time to correct them all? SasuNaru, M.

**Disclaimer**: I have no rights over the characters or whatsoever (do not sue me Mr. Kishimoto), I am just loaning them and returning to the rightful owner (Mr. Kishimoto).

I slept like two days in a row and I am amazed that mom did not wake me up - maybe she actually believed dad this time. Anyway, Sasuke really left like he said he would. It was not such a shock as I thought it would be. People grow apart. Our weird night was not that much of a shock either - more or so, I pushed the memory of it to the farthest part of my mind and let it suck dust there. It is not like I wanted to remember the whole thing anyhow. Getting beaten up and fucked, those things happen.

It was far more nerve-wrecking when Sasuke came back after five years…five years went by like nothing or maybe my memory just plays pranks on me. Forgetting is something I am good at. Occasionally I missed him, but my girlfriend kept me inside her magic circle and things like "Sasuke" did not penetrate that. Likewise she kept my lower part occupied so that I did not even think about the fact that the sex with Sasuke was ever even there. He did not inform me that he was back, we did not make any promises - we just happened to run into each other in the mall.

There was no escape and I had to plaster a smile on my face. Fancy meeting you here, I say to him while he clearly ogles me and my girl. Fancy, fancy, he says neutrally back. We are over twenty and it feels like there has not been any progress at all. We have not matured at all or time took steps back without asking us first. We used to be best friends and now there is not even a sign proving it ever being so. I used to tell him everything, he laughed and that time he puked on Anya's carpet. Suddenly all those things feel so unreal as I stand here and watch Sasuke's posture.

So, this is your friend, eh Naruto, my girl asks me and watches us carefully. Sort of, I reply trying to dodge the question and at the same time Sasuke's uninterested eyes. You must have a lot to talk about, she chirps and I so would love to strangle her. Do we look like we have anything to discuss anymore? Is she blind or what? I try to come up with excuses, but it is a futile attempt. Fuck this shit. I go ahead, you guys take your time, see you tomorrow at the campus Naruto, she smiles and I want to flee. Campus, Sasuke asks but I take it as a rhetoric question and only cough back.

You have not changed one bit, I retort and he says that I have regressed. Even with the stupid remarks, we still end up walking side by side only filling the air with unnecessary notions. There is stiffness, but it is a whole new experience compared to that of a few years ago. This stiffness is almost pleasant, but then again as tangible as air and I think it kicks too. Somehow I follow him to his apartment which is near the park where we used to play and later on get drunk. It is easy to follow someone like this when there is no aim - the aim is where you find yourself which in this case means Sasuke's ugly blue door.

Want some coffee lover boy, he asks and lights his cigarette. Bad habits you have got, I scold him suddenly so playfully. He makes us coffee and we drank the bitter liquid from ugly mugs. Ugliest mugs I have ever seen, I tell him and he says that he chose them just to piss me off. I pretend this is your blood I am drinking, I say out loud and we slurp the tar loudly enough for the neighbours to hear. I should get going, I get off of the chair. Suddenly out of the blue he asks me to stay, "Want to spend the night" leaves his lips and I do not know why I agree just as suddenly.

I like your leather jacket, I mumble and he pours me more that nasty coffee. You can have it if you want, Sasuke says to me but I answer that it looks better on him and he should trust me on that. You know, we cannot pretend the past never happened, I sigh and I can see how the hair on the back of his neck stands up. Well, that was then and this is now, he mumbles and does not face me. Where were you, I ask him curiosity honeying my voice. Here and there is the answer and I want to beat him up with the spoon. I have been quite aggressive these days it seems.

You know, you were my first, I tell him though it sounds so girlish that I have to swallow the upcoming vomit. Just letting you know, I continue and my voice is oddly calm as I return to the fateful day so many years ago. I kind of figured that much, he murmurs as if detached from this world. The sound of his voice is as hollow as a tree trunk. To tell you the truth, I do not know how I can be so calm about the fact that we broke our promise and fucked like rabbits, I almost talk to myself my voice calm and steady. Sasuke drops the mug and the coffee spills out on the floor. I am good at facing facts. Sasuke is not.

He bends down to wipe it, swears and says that this is not actually a topic he cherishes. You could have at least used a condom, I remark lazily which even surprises myself since it never occurred to me before this. He actually did not use any protection for fuck's sake - not that I begged for any…Sasuke looks ultra-uncomfortable and scratches the back of his head. I was a kid back then and so were you, like hell I even thought of something like that…I did not even know what I was doing, he sighs. I had watched shady porn and I had weird feelings I could not understand myself, the old shit about being lost, he then says sadly.

Did you find yourself, I ask him and "somewhat" is his silent reply. I know what that "somewhat" means and I do not wonder anymore why he had to flee from his father - from everything. Sasuke looks miserable but in a calm way. Do you still want to stay, his voice almost pleads. At least I hope I was the best, I grin and tell him that I already said I would stay. He looks relieved and we end up ditching the coffee. We move on to beer and some random snacks. Somewhere along the way my smile infects his lips and cheeks making Sasuke smile too for the first time in ages. I ruffle his hair and he looks the same when he was ten years old.

It is already late and he says I can sleep in the bed while he would take the sofa. It was fine by me - it was his apartment so I took it as an order instead of a suggestion. I lie on the bed, but I cannot really sleep. It is not because I am thinking too much, but more like there is nothing going on in my head. It does not take that much time until Sasuke crawls into the bed with me his hair mushy and bare feet making funny noises on the floor. Heh, it is much warmer with the two of us. Soon sleep gets a hold of me and the last thing I remember is Sasuke's warm shoulder against my side.

The clock says it is seven in the morning and outside it is still somewhat dusky. Sasuke is awake too, both of our eyes a bit swollen from sleep. With bare feet we head to the balcony and heck the floor is cold. It makes my toes curl. The air outside is a little crispy, but fresh. Sasuke takes out the pack of cigarettes which he grabbed from the night table. He lights one and I move closer to the handrail. I place my palms on the cold bar, breathe deep and scream at the top of my lungs. There is no one outside and only my voice echoes through the yard.

Fuck, that felt good, I grin and Sasuke looks at me with an expression I cannot read. You try that too, you know, cleans the air or something, I smile and he hesitates. He offers me his smoke which I place between my lips like a substitute kiss. I step back and let him closer. Sasuke's grip turns his knuckles white as he screams everything which has been bottled up inside of him. His face turns into a pinkish shade and now it is my turn to look like a proud father.

I did not know you smoke, he then breathes rapidly. Well, occasionally, I laugh and give back what is left of the cigarette. We stand in a perfect silence until Sasuke says that I should probably bring my own toothbrush to his place. He looks passive, but I know he asks for approval. I step closer to him, take his face into my palms and swiftly press my lips on his. The kiss is gentle and soft. Then I let go of his face and head inside. He follows me inside somewhat stupefied. That meant yeah, I grin.

I am so hungry, I murmur and Sasuke leaves for the kitchen me following his dark figure. If anyone would saw this they would probably think that the air around is stiff as hell, but actually he is very relaxed. I can see it from the movements of his hands, the way he looks and the way he talks. While he makes us bacon and eggs I think to myself how funny this all is. Like, sometimes you know what is going on without asking, without clarifying things - they just seems to be right just the way they are. There is no need for "love yous", "want yous" or such things; those are there even without words.

I am not a guy that declares love every given opportunity and I am not even sure whether I know what it is, but it must feel good. This feels good, waiting for breakfast, watching Sasuke move around in the kitchen and knowing that there is a tomorrow when I wake up. I do not want to put in words what is this we have, since it might disappear like that. Screaming is good, kissing is good, he is good and I bet there is much more goodness out there. Okay, I cannot help myself…

I owe you for the fuck in your dad's car, I say nonchalantly and Sasuke chokes on his coffee. I laugh my arse off as the coffee stains his shirt and the table. Fuck you, he groans and I laugh that this time around it will be the other way around. I want to pound some arse too, I continue and Sasuke has hard time just breathing. Shit, what have I done, he murmurs more loudly and I start to dance around in the room singing "These Boots Are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra. Sasuke looks like suffering and cries why the hell I am an idiot, but I just slide on the floor towards the coffee pot. I am going to make the coffee from this day onwards my love, yours is like tar, I say and let the water boil again.

Sasuke moves closer from behind me and presses his head against my back - hey happy morning. He blows in my hair, I laugh and I bet we both wish the time would stop. Shit, I murmur as I remember that I should call my girl. Or should I just be an arsehole and just delete her number? Sasuke slaps the back of my head and says that if I am not going to call he will choke me with my phone, sticking it deep down my throat. You are as rude as ever, I sigh. Of course I would have called - I am not inconsiderate. It is just that I do not know how to explain this.

She picks up the phone and I tell her I am getting married to a dude in some European country. I continue that he raped me when we were kids and that our love is violent and obnoxious, but oh-so-true. My now ex-girl huffs, but soon realizes I am not joking. She hangs up and Sasuke fumes. I did not lie, I say heartily. You are one sick fucktard, he sighs and we laugh. We joke around some more, but I know I made him happy. Hopefully the happiest person alive.

**It is my birthday today - 24 years already****. So, as a present, tell me what you thought about this :) ?**


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